Sharing Life Is Dangerous…And Not Really Optional

by Loren Paulsson on November 22, 2010

We'd just come home from the store, and Grandma was carrying in the groceries. It was right after my sister's birth, and Mom wasn't supposed to lift too much.

It was damp out as it often is in the Seattle area, but I was 15 months old and had recently discovered the thrill of hopping onto a moss-covered landscape rock next to the front door.

I remember slipping and crying on the cold ground, and I remember Grandma worrying I was too heavy…and Mom, picking me up and carrying me inside.

In that moment, Mom taught me what it was to value others, sometimes even at some risk to ourselves. Some things you just do when you care about others. That's what it means to share life.

Yet these values run counter to many of our inclinations.

About a year ago, three other guys and I were enjoying the hospitality of some married friends, and the subject of girlfriends came up. Several of us complained how much time girlfriends require and how we need time for ourselves.

And then it struck me how ironic it was. We want to have relationships…as long as the other person doesn't offend our selfishness?

We need to establish the kind of boundaries that keep our jobs from overwhelming family relationships, keep us from spending more than we can afford, and keep us from neglecting the important people in our lives. We need sufficient rest so that we can contribute to a positive experience for others. We need time to reabsorb the wonders of life and pass them on to others.

But if we insulate ourselves from others or pursue our own agendas, we build walls; and we show the same selfishness we dislike in others.

Several years ago, a family from church invited me to spend Christmas with them, since I wouldn't be able to fly home. It was refreshing to watch them interact, giving and receiving gifts. But it took me by surprise when they gave me a bag of fresh-roasted coffee beans and a box of hot chocolate. Then we sat down and had lamb and crab cakes for dinner. They shared their life with me, even though I didn't offer much in return.

The holiday season raises all kinds of issues for us—how to relate to estranged relatives, how to pay for all the gifts we want to buy, how to measure up to others' expectations. What would happen if we asked ourselves how we can benefit others?

Maybe the next time your mother-in-law says something negative, you can remember how she's benefited you, and share your gratitude. Maybe the next time your brother-in-law criticizes your driving, you can think of something you can do for him. Maybe the next time someone cuts you off in traffic, you use the extra time to think about what's really important.

It will be hard. Relationships are messy. But then, it's not all about us, is it?