What to say...

by Loren Paulsson on February 03, 2011

...when you have a boss

The power dynamics between managers and employees complicate communication—no matter how good the intention. And it’s easy to criticize leaders when they send mixed signals, when they don’t listen, or when you take the heat for one of their decisions.

Have you understood others? Start by trying to understand the people involved and how they see the problem so that you can speak to needs, help process information, and explore the pros and cons. Let others surprise you—and even change your mind. And don’t discuss details with those not part of the problem or the solution.

What’s the best thing to do? Have the courage to hold yourself to a high standard and the humility to admit you can learn from others. Your credibility depends on your integrity and your competence.

What’s really happening? When someone sends you an e-mail containing a phrase or two in all capital letters, it might feel like he or she is screaming at you. Before you reply, consider what the person is experiencing and what’s concerning him or her.

How can you value others? When your boss offends you, ask yourself whether the offense will permanently damage your relationship or harm another person. If one of these is true, perhaps you should discuss the issue with your boss. This can feel risky, but it might be the only way for your team to move forward.

What’s your purpose? Know why you’re talking to someone, and get to the point. If you ask someone how he or she is doing, care enough to listen and respond to the answer.

What can you do now? Share stories, experiences, and analogies, and give others time to change their minds. Winning an argument feels good, but others will only remember being beaten.

...when you are the boss

What you mean and what others hear are not always the same. When you say, “No one is indispensable,” you might be trying to identify with your people, but they might think you see them as expendable. When you say, “It doesn’t matter who does the work,” you’re concerned with objectives rather than personalities, but others might think you’re planning to replace them.

Have you understood others? If you’re a close observer of others, you can manipulate them. But to help them succeed, you must build a constructive relationship and put them in a position to use their strengths. Some thrive on competition; some need security; no two people function exactly alike.

What’s the best thing to do? Leadership responsibility reveals your character. You have to be transparent, but what you think and feel must communicate integrity, or you’ll lose your colleagues. Sometimes the clearest demonstration of integrity is how you handle your failures.

Text message What’s really happening? In a high-pressure situation, somebody has to put things in perspective so that the team can remember its purpose. Ask the hard questions, gather the best available information, and resist the urge to become defensive.

How can you value others? Positive reinforcement, the way you handle correction, and your example set the tone for everyone you influence. Try to understand others’ backgrounds, fears, goals, beliefs, values, and needs. Listen to how these things fit together so that you can help your people succeed.

What’s your purpose? Know why you’re talking and what you want to communicate. If you’re just brainstorming, tell the rest of the team so they don’t take your suggestions as orders. Delegate intentionally, and evaluate results. Be careful trying to help; some might see it as a lack of confidence in them.

What can you do now? Understand how others see the problem so that you can speak to needs, help process information, explore the pros and cons, and communicate the reasons for your decisions.

...when you have a boss
The power dynamics between
managers and employees complicate
communication—no matter how good
the intention. And it’s easy to criticize
leaders when they send mixed signals,
when they don’t listen, or when you take
the heat for one of their decisions.
Have you understood others? Start by
trying to understand the people involved
and how they see the problem so that
you can speak to needs, help process
information, and explore the pros and
cons. Let others surprise you—and even
change your mind. And don’t discuss
details with those not part of the problem
or the solution.
What’s the best thing to do? Have
the courage to hold yourself to a high
standard and the humility to admit you
can learn from others. Your credibility
depends on your integrity and your
competence.
What’s really happening? When
someone sends you an e-mail containing
a phrase or two in all capital letters, it
might feel like he or she is screaming
at you. Before you reply, consider what
the person is experiencing and what’s
concerning him or her.
How can you value others? When your
boss offends you, ask yourself whether
the offense will permanently damage
your relationship or harm another
person. If one of these is true, perhaps
you should discuss the issue with your
boss. This can feel risky, but it might
be the only way for your team to move
forward.
Before you hit the send button, ask yourself how the other person is going to
feel when he or she receives this message.
others time to change their minds.
Winning an argument feels good, but
others will only remember being beaten.
...when you are the boss
What you mean and what others hear
are not always the same. When you say,
“No one is indispensable,” you might
be trying to identify with your people,
but they might think you see them as
expendable. When you say, “It doesn’t
matter who does the work,” you’re
concerned with objectives rather than
personalities, but others might think
you’re planning to replace them.
Have you understood others? If
you’re a close observer of others, you
can manipulate them. But to help them
succeed, you must build a constructive
relationship and put them in a position
to use their strengths. Some thrive on
competition; some need security; no two
people function exactly alike.
What’s your purpose? Know why What’s the best thing to do?
you’re talking to someone, and get to Leadership responsibility reveals your
    the point. If you ask someone how he or character. You have to be transparent,
    she is doing, care enough to listen and but what you think and feel must
    respond to the answer. communicate integrity, or you’ll lose
                            your colleagues. Sometimes the clearest
                           demonstration of integrity is how you
                          handle your failures.
What can you do now? Share stories,
experiences, and analogies, and give
things in perspective so that the team
can remember its purpose. Ask the hard
questions, gather the best available
information, and resist the urge to
become defensive.
How can you value others? Positive
reinforcement, the way you handle
correction, and your example set the
tone for everyone you influence. Try to
understand others’ backgrounds, fears,
goals, beliefs, values, and needs. Listen
to how these things fit together so that
you can help your people succeed.
What’s your purpose? Know why
you’re talking and what you want
to communicate. If you’re just
brainstorming, tell the rest of the team
so they don’t take your suggestions
as orders. Delegate intentionally, and
evaluate results. Be careful trying to
help; some might see it as a lack of
confidence in them.
What can you do now? Understand
how others see the problem so that
you can speak to needs, help process
information, explore the pros and cons,
and communicate the reasons for your
decisions.
What’s really happening? In a high-
pressure situation, somebody has to put